26 posts from 2008

Looks like my time has finally come! I am heading off to my master's program tonight!

Three years are going to go so fast and before you know it, all my goals will come true.

Have you put your goals in action?

What is keeping you from having the life you want?

Go get it!

Love,

Michelle

Burned out

By Michelle Berardo Klear

Caught my soul on fire

Dancing to close to the edge

One too many sparks out of control

Burned out with no place to go

I have been running for so long

My feet full of soars

Distance not measured in miles

Burned out being wrong

Life caught me sleeping

During the important lesions

I was sure I would get what I needed.

Caught off guard; my heart was dreaming.

Burned out

His love gone dry

My heart melted

Not going to cry

Will it be worth another try?

6/18/08

It has been a while since I gave you all an update on Jackson.  In fact a little more than a year has gone by since his diagnosis.

There is an interesting article in Newsweek Magazine this week about bipolar children.  A very interesting article, but it is based on one of the most severe cases, with the boy having numerous disorders.  And it painted a pretty bleak picture for the future of any bipolar kid.  We wish it would have gone more in depth with less severe cases since most are not as severe as the cover boy.  Fortunately, Jackson does not seem to be this bad.  But many of the statements made by the parents are the same as we feel.

Here is the link to the article.  Also check out the links under “From the Editors” for more information on the disorder.  

http://www.newsweek.com/id/137517

Jackson was more or less stable for a few months, but started showing signs of the original voices and internal images again.  So after increasing dosage a few times with no improvement, we have started down the path of a med change.  We did an abrupt switch a couple months ago from Risperdal to Seroquel, with horrible results.  It was like Jackson’s evil twin emerged.  He was angry and absolutely raging for 2 days until we got him back on the Risperdal.  As it turns out, there is a small percentage of the population that has this opposite reaction to Seroquel.  Go figure.

After stabilizing again, our concerns soon returned about the Risperdal.  So we just completed a gradual switch from Risperdal to Zyprexa, and still on Strattera for anxiety.  He does not seem to have the voices, or he at least doesn’t talk about them any more, but he is pretty defiant and oppositional much of the time.  He gets angry easily and has taken to running away (next door or to the playground) when things don’t go his way.  We may not stay on this med, but are still evaluating.

He has pretty much given up on school this year.  His para-pro (teacher assistant) left a few weeks ago for personal reasons.  He had bonded pretty tightly with her and he does not have the same “click” with the new one.  With only a couple weeks left, he has told us he won’t do any more work in school.  We likes to learn, is very intelligent, and knows most of what he is supposed to know at the end of 1^st grade, but mostly refuses to hold a pencil.  So he is passing to 2^nd grade and we are just riding it out ourselves.

For 2^nd grade, we have decided to switch schools.  The Brighton district has 5 elementary schools and one of them (not ours) has a classroom for emotionally impaired (EI) students.  We discussed this at the beginning of this process, but it is the most restrictive of all options.  The school is required by law to try less restrictive options first, which we have now done with limited success.  Jackson is classified as EI, so he does qualify.  He will take a transfer bus from our school to that one each day.

Michelle and I met with the EI teacher and are very excited that this can be an environment where Jackson can learn and grow successfully.  She was a nurse for 20 years in the psychiatric ER, treating all sorts of disorders in crisis mode in all age groups.  She has been an EI teacher for the past 8 years with no signs of the usual burnout.  She is a tough cookie but is a passionate advocate for these kids.  Brighton is lucky to have her.  She runs a tight ship in the classroom and the kids seem to love and respect her.  She introduced us to the class and each student introduced themselves and told us where they came from and how long they have been in the EI room.  We are not as concerned as we once were about Jackson learning bad behaviors instead of learning better ones.  Even the kid that was just pulling out of a meltdown pulled it together to impress us.  And he did.

It is pretty much a “one room school house” and a tight knit community.  There are a number a para-pro’s on staff to support, with a social worker holding group therapy sessions regularly.  Meltdowns and outbursts happen regularly but are openly discussed after the fact so the students talk about how to handle these episodes in themselves and their peers.  There were 5 students in the room that day but it varies as some go to general ed classroom some days, while some are in treatment facilities part of the time.  We are going to take Jackson to visit and meet her and the kids, and maybe even start participating in group activities yet this school year so he can get excited about school next year.

Summer is coming, so there will be less stress and fewer rules for Jackson to follow, so we are hoping for some peace in the house.  We try to keep a positive outlook, and some days are better than others.  Michelle is in charge of Jackson’s school contacts and I tend to take the lead with the meds, with his psychiatrist very willing to discuss via email.

Our main request to you is to openly discuss this disorder with anyone that asks so that more people are aware of it and understand it, rather than it being looked at shamefully or as some sort of secret.  The best thing I read in this article was from one expert who said that the brain is the most complicated system in the body.  If lungs and hearts and other systems can become damaged or ill, then why would we expect the brain to never become damaged or ill just because it is a child?  The parents are sometimes the only advocates for mentally ill kids, and it helps when the extended family is too.

Breathe

By Michelle Berardo Klear

No time to breathe

When you scream

I worry you will run out into the street

The anger in your eyes

The displeasure you cannot disguise.

Fear, voices, the word no

Set you off like a rocket

Ready to explode.

I stand and watch

Trying to catch my breath

You hit your peak and I go seek

An answer to your anger

Your emotions too close to danger

You are scaring me

I cannot breathe.

I am worried, where do I go?

What can I do? When you are out of control?

I need to breathe and think

I want to help you

Your anger

Is scaring me.

No time to breathe.

5/22/08

I hate goodbyes. They are like wildfire across my heart. They burn me with pain. I hate goodbyes and missing people. I don't know why...but I do. I hate goodbyes and missing you.

Angels

By Michelle Berardo Klear

Angels fly by my room, dressed in white

Wearing smiles and dancing with delight.

They laugh as they gather flowers in the air

All to bring me happiness when I am in despair.

They have quit voices that whisper in the dark

Soothing tones of bells ringing in my soul

I know that I am not alone.

For years the angels have stood by me watching me live in disgrace,

Only to come back to gather me up in there embrace

I did not know how to live with the rejection of my soul

How I managed to be good, enough when I felt unworthy

Years of pain and regret, I have wallowed in my misery

Only to have my angels have sympathy

Guide me in my recovery.

Angels fly by my room, dressed in white

Dancing with light, loving me

Taking away the pain and bringing me sanity.

5/19/08

Know

By Michelle Berardo Klear

Feel my love

Where ever you are

Where ever you go

Feel my love and know

No matter what

It is all I can give

It is all of my soul

Know.

Feel my love

Wrap around your heart

Comfort you and make

You whole

Know.

No matter what

Or where you are in life

My love will never stop

It is all I have to give

It is my everything

It is how I live.

Know.

1/4/08

Seaport Billy

By Michelle Klear

Born looking for adventure

On a quest to discover

The salt in my veins

Sailing away from reality

That is where I want to be.

Lost at sea

On a ship roaming, free

Salty air, fish everywhere

That is where I need to be

Sunshine radiates across the sky

As far as I can see,

Still looking

For a part of me.

The waves of the ocean

Distance no relation to reality

You alone in the world without me

I will walk the shore for eternity

Holding every shell to my ear

Whispers of your love I want to hear.

I will know them anywhere.

Good Luck my Seaport Billy,

Come back to me….

5/9/08

Blue Eyed Boy

by Michelle Klear

Jackson my blue eyed boy,
finally found his smile
his laugh
like angels calling.

Today he smiles as
he tells me he hates me
wants me to believe it.

I am gonna use that "h" word
laughing down the hall
running out of view
he won't let me catch him
he is out the door.

He will come back one more time
His smile big his laugh is too
Hey Mom, I am gonna use that
"h" word on you.

No, "No sugar" he begs as he lets me
finally catch him in my arms
this moment I wish I could freeze
this fleeting moment when we
connect as one
Mother and Son.

Jackson my sweet loving son
you tell me you hate me everyday
you know I will never believe you again.
I love you until the end of time
no matter what we have to endure
no matter what life throws at us
Mother and Son
I am going to love you.

2007

Do you know how many people suffer from bipolar?

I don't!  All I know is that my son does! He is 6 years old and he has been showing signs from the age 3.  Tonight when I was putting him to bed he said he was sorry for not listening to me this morning, then he started crying and telling me that "his brain" makes him do things he doesn't want to do, like be angry and not listen. He said "mom, I wish I didn't have this brain, I wish I wasn't born with it".

What can I possibly say to him to make him feel better? I told him that he has a very special brain and that sometimes he is happy, smiling and smart and wonderful and his anger will never take that part away. He said 'mom, will I ever outgrow this?" and I had to tell him, I didn't know.

I don't know...will he ever out grow this?

What will time make of an angry brain?

I don't have a clue but I will be right here next to him, finding out!

Love,

Michelle